scrambles

Today I had a mini breakdown of sorts. It's like my feelings, my knowings, and my believing are all separate entities. The kids, school, my self maintainance , household duties, and finances are all getting to me. I can't seem to get a hold on things. I've become consumed by life's happenings. I began to cry...I was only faced with eating lunch and getting ready for school...I looked around and the house was upside down. I didn't know where to start; make the bed, clean the kitchen, do laundry, or just leave it all. I feel overwhelmed. I just sat and cried. I can't take it anymore...so busy busy BUSY all the time....the kids demand so much from me. I hardly have time to study, and when some time does free up, I usually rest. I'm forever tired. The only time I ever have to myself is after everyone is asleep, which in turn puts me up into the wee hours only to have my sleep interrupted at regular intervals and my final wake up being circa 7:20 am. It's all too much. All day it's "Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!" And then I go to work where one of the floor managers talks to me with the tone of a mother admonishing her naughty 4 year old...It's a job and it's easy. It's money. Its annoying and I am very tempted to tell her to fucking knock it off already...I find it disrespectful. At school I'm addressed with the driest aspects of my chosen career, so it's difficult to get into it; right now I'm in class...I'm supposed to be looking at power points, but like I said, it's effing dry and boring. I have more fun picking at my black heads or clipping my toe nails.

In summation, I don't wanna kill myself or anything. The worst self harm I do is eat chili fries on a weekly basis (I'm diabetic). Sometimes I wanna smack a bitch, but that's the extent of it, I don't hurt anyone. I just want to learn how to handle all the chaos. It's consuming me.