culture

I'm getting tired of explaining myself. I mean, why the fuck do I do it anyway? Here's what irritates me:

Someone speaks to me in Spanish. I give them the "huh" look; they give me the look of disbelief.

"You don't speak Spanish?"

"Not really. Took four years of it, I can order my food and read/write at a 3rd grade level, but that's it." I chuckle because I know what's coming next.

"Aren't you Mexican?"

Fucker, I think, so ignorant. *Sigh* Aren't Mexicans from Mexico? I've only been to Rosarito once and TJ twice in my life time.
Instead of explaining Mexicans are ppl from Mexico, I humor the ignorant person before me and answer, yes.

"Then why don't you speak Spanish? You're white-washed!"

Stupid wetback, I think. I hate the term 'white-washed.' It sounds like those ugly acid washed jeans we used to wear in the late 80's.
I then go into how I'm 6th generation here in the United States. (Don't hate 'cause I have papeles, puto, I think to myself.) I also give a brief history of how speaking Spanish wasn't acceptable and even punishable in the 50's-70's, so my grandma 'forgot' it and therefore didn't pass it onto my mom, etc. I go into the Chicano movement. Most people politely apologize by this point, but I know they don't get it. And they still think I'm 'white-washed.'

Yeah, I live in Alta Loma. It's nice there; I like to take my kids to a park where ghetto ass people don't convene. I like to live in a clean city where people give a hoot about their environment. Codified norms keep the city where we live nice and enjoyable. Is that trying to be "white?" I've lived in Fontana, Rialto, Rancho Cucamonga, Upland, Ontario, Pomona, Downey, Ontario, West Covina, and Long Beach. Presently Alta Loma. There are ghetto people everywhere...I don't think I'm better than anyone, its just that I've developed a lower tolerance for the bs.

When you see shopping carts in your neighborhood, that's when you know ghetto people are infiltrating.

I'm getting off topic here, though.

So, according to most, I'm not "Mexican." I'm most definetly not white. Funny, some woman once remarked, "My goodness, I LOVE your tan!" This was in line at Stater Bros market in Alta Loma. Bless your heart, lil white lady. I smiled and thanked her. It was awkward. Hello, I'm a Latina! The cashier smirked. The lady went on to ask where I got my tan. After a moment of thought on how to answer that politely, I told her it was compliments on my ancestors and that I had a year round tan that I was born with; thank God, saves me the money! She laughed and told me I was beautiful. Aww.

One of the first brushes with stereotypism I can remember was from a goofy pot head named Cody in some class called "Bach to Rock" my junior year at Rancho Cucamonga High School. She gave me some candy. Hot tamales. I popped a handful into my mouth and was surprised at how they burned my mouth. I said something of the sort to Cody and she looked at me with something like bewilderment. "Don't you eat, like, chiles and stuff for dinner everyday?"
Huh? I thought. "Last night I had meat loaf and mashed potatoes," I said. She shut up. I thought about it for a long while after. That was the first of many. Ignorance is funny.

I will yammer this up more next time, but right now I actually have to listen to what Professor Bright is yakking about.

scrambles

Today I had a mini breakdown of sorts. It's like my feelings, my knowings, and my believing are all separate entities. The kids, school, my self maintainance , household duties, and finances are all getting to me. I can't seem to get a hold on things. I've become consumed by life's happenings. I began to cry...I was only faced with eating lunch and getting ready for school...I looked around and the house was upside down. I didn't know where to start; make the bed, clean the kitchen, do laundry, or just leave it all. I feel overwhelmed. I just sat and cried. I can't take it anymore...so busy busy BUSY all the time....the kids demand so much from me. I hardly have time to study, and when some time does free up, I usually rest. I'm forever tired. The only time I ever have to myself is after everyone is asleep, which in turn puts me up into the wee hours only to have my sleep interrupted at regular intervals and my final wake up being circa 7:20 am. It's all too much. All day it's "Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!" And then I go to work where one of the floor managers talks to me with the tone of a mother admonishing her naughty 4 year old...It's a job and it's easy. It's money. Its annoying and I am very tempted to tell her to fucking knock it off already...I find it disrespectful. At school I'm addressed with the driest aspects of my chosen career, so it's difficult to get into it; right now I'm in class...I'm supposed to be looking at power points, but like I said, it's effing dry and boring. I have more fun picking at my black heads or clipping my toe nails.

In summation, I don't wanna kill myself or anything. The worst self harm I do is eat chili fries on a weekly basis (I'm diabetic). Sometimes I wanna smack a bitch, but that's the extent of it, I don't hurt anyone. I just want to learn how to handle all the chaos. It's consuming me.

you gon' eat yo co'nbread?

Watching LIFE in class...Eddie Murphy character's has a point. Instead of giving in to the bully like everyone else does--conformity--he gets his ass kicked cuz he doesn't conform. Fear is a primal emotion...intimidation evokes fear...or anger in some cases.

I'm not fuckin afraid anymore. I'm fuckin irritated. I'm getting tired of running against the wind, going against the grain, running uphill.

I'm goin somewhere. I may stop to rest, but I won't stop.

Nobody can have my corn bread.

(*^^$%&*(**&%$%^@!

Today is/was/will continue to be busy busy busy. I didn't finish my homework (worth 3 points) and then my hot ass professor handed me my first assignment--with red pen all over it. Huh? My eyes focused and miliseconds later I realized that I didn't follow directions. I did that assignment in half an hour with Evan grabbing my notes, hitting keys on my lap top, and Monkey crying off and on due to teething...but dammit, I'm better than that. So right now, my grade is equivalent to a C...

WTF. Part of me wants to quit and part of me wants to do waaaaaayyyyy better cuz I know I'm capable. Just exhausted and overwhelmed with everything going on around me and with me.

stuck and struck

Maaaaaan. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel stuck. Like, I know what needs to get done but I can't get myself to do things...simple, mundane, everyday things;things like homework, or pay bills on time though there is money sitting in my account. I feel like I don't care anymore. I don't know why...I'm tired...I feel overwhelmed sometimes with the kids and school. I don't want to see a psychiatrist because I don't feel I'm sick. I need to talk to a neutral person who won't judge me...is that possible? As humans, I think we're hardwired to judge. I don't want a freakin pill to numb anything. Is this why people begin bad habits, like pill popping, drinking, and drugs? To numb your life? I don't wanna do that. I just wanna feel free of whatever it is that is dragging me down like a 1,000 pound anchor.

post adolescent angst feelings---different phases--in lyrics

But I'm a creep/ I'm a weirdo/ What the hell am I doing here?/ I don't be long here...
I don't care if it hurts/ I wanna have control/ I want a perfect body/ I want a perfect soul/ I want you to notice/ when I'm not around...I wish I was special...she's running out again/ she run run runs....

All your mental armor/ drags me down/we can't breathe when you come around...

I can't feel the way I did before/ don't turn your back on me/ I won't be ignored/ time won't heal this damage anymore/ Don't turn your back on me/ I WON'T BE IGNORED

You try to take the best of me/GO AWAY

Don't call me daughter/not fair to/ the picture kept will remind me...don't call me...

Maybe someday I'll be just like you/and step on ppl like you do/ and run away the ppl I thought I knew/I remember back then who you were/ you used to be calm/ you used to be strong/used to be generous/ but you should've known that you'd wear out your welcome/ now you see how quiet it is all alone/ I wanna be in another place/ I hate when you say you don't understand/ I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy/ a place for my head...you try to take the best of me GO AWAY!

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface/ confusing/ consuming...

Take everything from the inside/ and throw it all away/ cuz I swear/ for the last time/ I will trust myself with you...

Tension is building inside steadily...

Stuck in my head again/feels like I'll never leave this place/ there's no escape/ I'm my own worst enemy

You love the things I'll say I do/ the way I hurt myself again/ just to get back at you/you take away/ when I give in/ my life, my pride is broken

You like to think you're never wrong/you have to act like you're someone/you want someone to hurt like you

Everyday convince myself/ of everything I can and can't believe/ abused/ confused

daddy was a rollin rollin stone/oh/ he rolled away one day and he never came home

welcome to your solace/ you can use it as a crutch/ stand by while all your dreams get trampled in the dust

sick of the treason/ sick of your lies...frustration...

I tear my heart open/ I sew myself shut...

I don't wanna be the minority...

reach out and touch faith

words like violence/break the silence/come crashing in/into my little world/painful to me/pierce right through me/don't you understand...

Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving...

This is how I feel/I'm cold and I am shamed/ lying naked on the floor/ illusion never turned/ into something real/ I'm wide awake...

Feelin like a dog in heat/ barred indoors from the summer heat/ lock the door to my own cell...

Life goes by so fast/you only want to do what you think is right/close your eyes/ then it's past/ story of my life...

This isn't about just one person. It's situations, ppl, and my inner battles.

Inspired by: Radiohead, Linkin Park, Depeche Mode, Pennywise, Greenday, Papa Roach, Social Distortion, Sublime, and Natalie Imbruglia

Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down (LYRICS)

aesthetic values

I'm not trying to find myself, but slowly and surely, things are resurfacing...I will never be the same....but it's alright....new and improved Mo yay...

I was driving to Starbucks when Green Day's "Longview" came on the radio. I remember: me, 14, awkward and nappy, bushy browed, and rebellious against my parents, namely my Dad. He used to say that the music I listened to was from the devil...so Nirvana, Green Day, Off Spring, Pennywise, and others of the like made their way into my CD collection. Angsty...who wasn't at that age?

So here I am, 16 years later, still lovin Green Day (pre-2000's), but rollin in an economy car with my two car seats hogging the back seat, miscallaneous toys littering my car, my gray back pack on the passenger seat, and a gross bottle underneath the driver's seat that looks like a science experiment (I keep forgetting the toss it out ewwie). School. I thought I'd be done by now. Thirty years old--I don't feel old. I feel tired. That's about it. Oh, and I got chunky--what's that all about lol

I'm sipping a venti green iced tea, complete with 3 Splenda, typing away on my still not paid off lap top while the baby fights his sleep in the navy blue stroller next to me in this dimly lit Starbucks, surrounded by conversations and other nerds on their lap tops; one doing English homework, the other doing what looks like Statistics. Ugh I hated that class. Tell me, who the hell uses a bell curve in everyday life? Who cares about standard deviation? Not I.

Not too much changes. I still wear Chucks. No makeup (but I've since been introduced to tweezers lol). Still not trendy. Still don't give a f*ck about what other ppl think...I just need to free myself from this unknown antagonistic feeling....