I wonder why...

I feel like an idiot. I see myself crying like a little bitch...like a helpless person. I'm stronger than he is, so the questions is, why do I let it happen? Why do I let myself get sucked back in...it's a classic cycle: the rise to abuse (him acting all angry & emotional, me walking on eggshells), the actual outburst of abuse (me getting screamed at & belittled, sometimes in front of our boys, sometimes in public when we are surrounded by strangers)...sometimes there is little or even no visible & pliable sign of provocation for  him to start trippin like he does. Then there's the I'm sorry stage, where he either starts talking to me as if nothing bad happened or he apologizes profusely (but still blames me by saying, you MAKE me act that way, Monique), then as I ignore him and go into my "corner" of the world, he "woos" me back with: let's take the kids to the beach/Disneyland/Chuck E Cheese's/swimming & bbq/museum/other fun place. Please Monique, I need your help and the boys really want you to come (then he puts Evan on the phone who says, Please come back Mommy. I want you here.)...then he proceeds to "act right" and do/say all the things I've ever wanted to hear and see...then I start to wonder, am I trippin? It wasn't really THAT bad was it? Maybe I'm over-examining things...

Then it starts all over again. It can go anywhere from a few days to a few weeks with this cycle. The only SURE thing here is that it happens...often. 

I am duped, stupid, or I some part of me feels like I must deserve this because I still come around. God help me to pull myself up and out of this because it is not good for the boys to see this behavior or even for me...I'm losing myself.

In the words of 311, all mixed up, I don't know what to do...

I've been feeling out of sorts lately, and that is just putting it mildly. 


I'm not suicidal,  I don't wanna die, but I can't say that I wouldn't mind being sedated lol!


I don't really wanna hurt anyone; I just wanna be alone because nobody understands.


I feel so stupid. I let someone hurt me, I put myself in a situation that I knew would take me down a path that would lead to nowhere, but I was hopeful that everything would be well.


So, now I'm in this hole where the sunshine is so far away that it's faint light barely touches my heart. I'm not hungry, I'm not sleepy, I'm not anything.


God threw me a rope, a ladder, and even gave me wings, but I feel unworthy to take His help because I knew I was walking away from Him and now I realize how wrong I always am when I don't listen to my heart. All along, I thought I was following my  heart because my head was screaming at me to turn around lol


I'm hurting so bad that I'm not even functioning at full capacity; I'm on auto pilot. I really don't know how I am going to get out of this funk and all I know is that I have to.


Fuck this guy. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster and I'm tired of the fact that I let him define me and my emotional state.

a memory

Nothing had been going "right" since I'd arrived. Crowded out of my hotel room, my lack of fun the night before, my heart and mind at war. On the outside, it was a pretty picture. On the inside, it was a disaster.

I stepped into the elevator just as "Dare You to Move" began to play. Hmm, funny, since when did the elevator have music?

"Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next...?"

I was praying. Was this my prompt, my sign from God?
"I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before..."

This seemed like a long ride down 3 floors, given it had stopped once. My bff stepped in. We rode down together. She told me that I was lucky. I mean, what girl doesn't wanna have some man love her endlessly, put a wedding together, wear a beautiful dress, and be surrounded by all her friends and family?

The elevator stopped.  
"Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be..."

Who could I be? Mrs. Herrera, wife of a good and dutiful man, and live a routinely, picturesque, nuclear family life? Or Mrs. Reyes, wife of a passionate man, ruled by emotions, and live a tumultuous life, be cheated on sometimes, be treated as if I don't matter one minute and then the next minute be treated as if I mean the world??? Extreme highs and lows???? A roller coaster of a life...


Now instead I live in neutral, neither pressing the brakes or the gas. I live in between...and I have regrets.

I was ushered to a small dressing room where my bff ruffled my gown, my mom came to see me (it was awkward), and then the minister came to pray with us and ask how I wanted the ceremony to go....
I wanted to run away. I had no plan, no money, and no heart...I gave it away to the wrong one...I wanted to call upon him to save me, come get me, love me forever...but, don't cheat on me anymore, please...

Instead, the procession began. I heard the music. I let myself be led to my stepdad. I wanted to run, but my feet stayed put. I whispered prayers to God, hoping for an immediate answer.

The double doors opened. I saw the heads turn and heard the murmurs of the crowd. They were all looking at me. In the center of it all was my new destiny. He smiled at me.

Little did he know that he chose wrong. Why me why me why me why me why me.....he must be blind, stupid...IDK...but I never officially took his last name.

Y el otro? He never fell out of the picture, like he was supposed to. He haunts me still. And my heart and mind are still at war.

chewed up and spat out

I'm not feelin all that good lately. Emotionally, I mean. It's frustrating...


I feel like I have to censor myself on FB now...FB, as a smart man put it to me last night, is a public diary of sorts and it's hard not to offend someone if not everyone. Yesterday I posted what was in my head...I was stressed to the max and I needed to vent. Someone else posted a response, which, wasn't all that appropriate AND was more in relation to what their individual situation is like presently. Someone else was deeply offended by this and responded, which in turn provoked a few others to be offended and put off by person B's response. Person A was being supportive, knowing what I've been through...person B is always supportive too, but related to the ultimate offender (who provoked my anger which led me to vent online)...I tried to be diplomatic, seeing both sides, but then deleted the post altogether to avoid contention, as my day had been tumultuous leading to that point, no more drama, man! Geez, let me live and utilitze my right to free speech yet supress yours on my FB page lol...


So now I'm a traitor. I got this text last night from an unfamiliar # telling me to check person B and then another one that Person B is more my family than my own...how stupid and ignorant. Since when is diplomacy congruent to being a traitor?


I love Persons A & B, yet Person A is my sister...I love my sisters more than the rest of my family lol!


But wrong is wrong....anger can make us say things in the heat of the moment that we may or may not later regret. Things said in text do not exhibit tone or meaning very well. They can be taken out of context.


So now my hands are tied. In order to keep my life drama free, I'm gonna have to censor myself, on here and on FB...where the fuck is my freedom?


And I've decided that I'm not gonna be so open anymore with most people. I'm gonna shut up because my words were used to stab me in the back when all I wanted to do was reach out to someone and vent. I'm gonna keep things to myself now....sucks, but I'm tired of drama, chaos, and negativity.

maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

So I have this friend who always calls, has no phone etiquette whatsoever and bugs the FUCK out of me. She asks the dumbest shit, probably because she doesn't listen to what I say, she only hears what I say. She always wants to talk about herself, then when she's wasted half of the phone conversation on her personal shit, she asks lame, obvious questions. Example: (I just told her I'm broke and it sucks that I can't buy my kids Christmas presents) So, um, are you done with your Christmas shopping yet? What did you buy Evan? My answer: Um, nothing. Hello?! I just said I'm broke! Duh. What am I gonna buy stuff with? My good looks?


The other day, she called at 8:21 am. I looked at the caller ID and rolled my eyes. I was changing my boys' morning diapers and getting the day started. I love her as a person, but dude, she has some annoying habits. I advised her once that there are medications and therapy out there for ppl with OCD. This girl cannot leave her phone alone. Constantly talking to someone and or texting. Anyway, she proceeded to call me again at 8:23 am then again at 8:40am, when I finally answered because I knew she wasn't gonna stop. I was holding the baby on my hip while preparing the older one's breakfast.


"Hello, what is your emergency? Do you need assistance in the form of a donation of blood for a transfusion where I'm your only match? Do you need my AAA? You alright?" I asked sarcastically.


She laughs. "Hey foo, guess what, I met this guy..."


What. the. fuck. Seriously?


"D, I'm sorry girl, but I can't talk right now. I'll ttyl ok?"


"Why? What are you doing? You can never talk to me. I just wanna tell you something. Hold on give me five minutes." she says.


Both kids are crying at this point. Big one wants his breakfast of "eggie" and the little one wants his "ba-ba."
I begin dealing with the kids, hoping she'll get the point. She doesn't.


"He drove all the way over here today to buy me breakfast. [It's 40 minutes from her] We fucked on Tuesday. We're going to a party on Saturday. Do you think he likes me?" she asks.


Really? Fuckin really? Oh shit, this girl is wasting my time and patience. Meanwhile, while I'm multi tasking, my messed up back starts to hurt, partly because it's injured and partly because the baby weighs 28lbs. Fat boy. I need a Vicodin...


"Well, what do you think? Do you think he likes you? IDK why you're asking me, D. I have no idea who the man is. You should know. Why do you ask me obvious questions, obvious man?" I'm losing it at this point...fuckin frivolous conversation.


She laughs.


"I love you, best of luck to you, but I gotta go." I say.


"WHY??? OMG Mo just talk to me! You never have time for me..."


"I can't wait til you have kids. Karma is a bitch. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to gossip and talk. I have my children to take care of..."


"Fine. Whatever. Oh but then I met this other guy..."


"D! I gotta go I don't have time why don't you get it you make me wanna kill myself because you completely disregard my time and disrespect my phone and assault my patience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I proceed to hang up on her.


I get a text. MONTH. YOU. DONT. ALWAYS. HAVE. TO. BE. RUDE.


I hate it when ppl with Blackberry phones call me "Month."

aged

So, I'm 31 now....it feels the same as 28, which felt like 22...IDK what the huge deal is. You know what makes me feel old? My kids and the lack of sleep lol


I prance around the CSU campus and feel out of place, especially when I take day classes because the majority of students are younger than me, single, and usually childless whereas I'm wife, mommy, AND student. I have a hello kitty sticker on my freakin folder and I still giggle when someone farts in class. 


I want another tattoo. A hello kitty one--just her face/head lol---on my shoulder so you can see it in the summer when I wear sundresses and tube tops (after this last kid, my chichis really sag, so I can no longer "free ball" it; fuck it, I'm gonna wear one anyway, just gotta find one with a built in bra).


It's raining pretty hard outside. Looks like a sheer white flowing curtain in the breeze when I look outside. I wore my five year old chucks in the rain on Monday...what a dumb ass lol I need some galoshes. How do you wear those and not look silly? I saw some cute ones at Target for less than twenty bucks...


My goodness...how time flies. Hopefully I continue to accumulate knowledge. Some old ppl are serious ignorant dumb asses.

hijole

Why the hell am I such a procrastinator? I have had this take home final since Thursday (today is Monday) and it's still not finished. Here I am, burning the midnight oil and freakin blogging lol


I'm trying to let loose some steam. 


Hmmm, it's not working. I feel so uninspired.