a memory

Nothing had been going "right" since I'd arrived. Crowded out of my hotel room, my lack of fun the night before, my heart and mind at war. On the outside, it was a pretty picture. On the inside, it was a disaster.

I stepped into the elevator just as "Dare You to Move" began to play. Hmm, funny, since when did the elevator have music?

"Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next...?"

I was praying. Was this my prompt, my sign from God?
"I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before..."

This seemed like a long ride down 3 floors, given it had stopped once. My bff stepped in. We rode down together. She told me that I was lucky. I mean, what girl doesn't wanna have some man love her endlessly, put a wedding together, wear a beautiful dress, and be surrounded by all her friends and family?

The elevator stopped.  
"Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be..."

Who could I be? Mrs. Herrera, wife of a good and dutiful man, and live a routinely, picturesque, nuclear family life? Or Mrs. Reyes, wife of a passionate man, ruled by emotions, and live a tumultuous life, be cheated on sometimes, be treated as if I don't matter one minute and then the next minute be treated as if I mean the world??? Extreme highs and lows???? A roller coaster of a life...


Now instead I live in neutral, neither pressing the brakes or the gas. I live in between...and I have regrets.

I was ushered to a small dressing room where my bff ruffled my gown, my mom came to see me (it was awkward), and then the minister came to pray with us and ask how I wanted the ceremony to go....
I wanted to run away. I had no plan, no money, and no heart...I gave it away to the wrong one...I wanted to call upon him to save me, come get me, love me forever...but, don't cheat on me anymore, please...

Instead, the procession began. I heard the music. I let myself be led to my stepdad. I wanted to run, but my feet stayed put. I whispered prayers to God, hoping for an immediate answer.

The double doors opened. I saw the heads turn and heard the murmurs of the crowd. They were all looking at me. In the center of it all was my new destiny. He smiled at me.

Little did he know that he chose wrong. Why me why me why me why me why me.....he must be blind, stupid...IDK...but I never officially took his last name.

Y el otro? He never fell out of the picture, like he was supposed to. He haunts me still. And my heart and mind are still at war.