I wonder why...

I feel like an idiot. I see myself crying like a little bitch...like a helpless person. I'm stronger than he is, so the questions is, why do I let it happen? Why do I let myself get sucked back in...it's a classic cycle: the rise to abuse (him acting all angry & emotional, me walking on eggshells), the actual outburst of abuse (me getting screamed at & belittled, sometimes in front of our boys, sometimes in public when we are surrounded by strangers)...sometimes there is little or even no visible & pliable sign of provocation for  him to start trippin like he does. Then there's the I'm sorry stage, where he either starts talking to me as if nothing bad happened or he apologizes profusely (but still blames me by saying, you MAKE me act that way, Monique), then as I ignore him and go into my "corner" of the world, he "woos" me back with: let's take the kids to the beach/Disneyland/Chuck E Cheese's/swimming & bbq/museum/other fun place. Please Monique, I need your help and the boys really want you to come (then he puts Evan on the phone who says, Please come back Mommy. I want you here.)...then he proceeds to "act right" and do/say all the things I've ever wanted to hear and see...then I start to wonder, am I trippin? It wasn't really THAT bad was it? Maybe I'm over-examining things...

Then it starts all over again. It can go anywhere from a few days to a few weeks with this cycle. The only SURE thing here is that it happens...often. 

I am duped, stupid, or I some part of me feels like I must deserve this because I still come around. God help me to pull myself up and out of this because it is not good for the boys to see this behavior or even for me...I'm losing myself.