In the words of 311, all mixed up, I don't know what to do...

I've been feeling out of sorts lately, and that is just putting it mildly. 


I'm not suicidal,  I don't wanna die, but I can't say that I wouldn't mind being sedated lol!


I don't really wanna hurt anyone; I just wanna be alone because nobody understands.


I feel so stupid. I let someone hurt me, I put myself in a situation that I knew would take me down a path that would lead to nowhere, but I was hopeful that everything would be well.


So, now I'm in this hole where the sunshine is so far away that it's faint light barely touches my heart. I'm not hungry, I'm not sleepy, I'm not anything.


God threw me a rope, a ladder, and even gave me wings, but I feel unworthy to take His help because I knew I was walking away from Him and now I realize how wrong I always am when I don't listen to my heart. All along, I thought I was following my  heart because my head was screaming at me to turn around lol


I'm hurting so bad that I'm not even functioning at full capacity; I'm on auto pilot. I really don't know how I am going to get out of this funk and all I know is that I have to.


Fuck this guy. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster and I'm tired of the fact that I let him define me and my emotional state.

a memory

Nothing had been going "right" since I'd arrived. Crowded out of my hotel room, my lack of fun the night before, my heart and mind at war. On the outside, it was a pretty picture. On the inside, it was a disaster.

I stepped into the elevator just as "Dare You to Move" began to play. Hmm, funny, since when did the elevator have music?

"Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next...?"

I was praying. Was this my prompt, my sign from God?
"I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before..."

This seemed like a long ride down 3 floors, given it had stopped once. My bff stepped in. We rode down together. She told me that I was lucky. I mean, what girl doesn't wanna have some man love her endlessly, put a wedding together, wear a beautiful dress, and be surrounded by all her friends and family?

The elevator stopped.  
"Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be..."

Who could I be? Mrs. Herrera, wife of a good and dutiful man, and live a routinely, picturesque, nuclear family life? Or Mrs. Reyes, wife of a passionate man, ruled by emotions, and live a tumultuous life, be cheated on sometimes, be treated as if I don't matter one minute and then the next minute be treated as if I mean the world??? Extreme highs and lows???? A roller coaster of a life...


Now instead I live in neutral, neither pressing the brakes or the gas. I live in between...and I have regrets.

I was ushered to a small dressing room where my bff ruffled my gown, my mom came to see me (it was awkward), and then the minister came to pray with us and ask how I wanted the ceremony to go....
I wanted to run away. I had no plan, no money, and no heart...I gave it away to the wrong one...I wanted to call upon him to save me, come get me, love me forever...but, don't cheat on me anymore, please...

Instead, the procession began. I heard the music. I let myself be led to my stepdad. I wanted to run, but my feet stayed put. I whispered prayers to God, hoping for an immediate answer.

The double doors opened. I saw the heads turn and heard the murmurs of the crowd. They were all looking at me. In the center of it all was my new destiny. He smiled at me.

Little did he know that he chose wrong. Why me why me why me why me why me.....he must be blind, stupid...IDK...but I never officially took his last name.

Y el otro? He never fell out of the picture, like he was supposed to. He haunts me still. And my heart and mind are still at war.

chewed up and spat out

I'm not feelin all that good lately. Emotionally, I mean. It's frustrating...


I feel like I have to censor myself on FB now...FB, as a smart man put it to me last night, is a public diary of sorts and it's hard not to offend someone if not everyone. Yesterday I posted what was in my head...I was stressed to the max and I needed to vent. Someone else posted a response, which, wasn't all that appropriate AND was more in relation to what their individual situation is like presently. Someone else was deeply offended by this and responded, which in turn provoked a few others to be offended and put off by person B's response. Person A was being supportive, knowing what I've been through...person B is always supportive too, but related to the ultimate offender (who provoked my anger which led me to vent online)...I tried to be diplomatic, seeing both sides, but then deleted the post altogether to avoid contention, as my day had been tumultuous leading to that point, no more drama, man! Geez, let me live and utilitze my right to free speech yet supress yours on my FB page lol...


So now I'm a traitor. I got this text last night from an unfamiliar # telling me to check person B and then another one that Person B is more my family than my own...how stupid and ignorant. Since when is diplomacy congruent to being a traitor?


I love Persons A & B, yet Person A is my sister...I love my sisters more than the rest of my family lol!


But wrong is wrong....anger can make us say things in the heat of the moment that we may or may not later regret. Things said in text do not exhibit tone or meaning very well. They can be taken out of context.


So now my hands are tied. In order to keep my life drama free, I'm gonna have to censor myself, on here and on FB...where the fuck is my freedom?


And I've decided that I'm not gonna be so open anymore with most people. I'm gonna shut up because my words were used to stab me in the back when all I wanted to do was reach out to someone and vent. I'm gonna keep things to myself now....sucks, but I'm tired of drama, chaos, and negativity.